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Danh ngôn của Joan Rivers (Sứ mệnh: 5)

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Never floss with a stranger.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.