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Danh ngôn của Erma Bombeck (Sứ mệnh: 7)

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.