To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that's what's really funny - people who think they're doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out.
That's what you don't see about coach Saban. He's a very funny guy.
I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
All people go through moments that are tough, but looking at them through comedy is so fun. You can look at anything in life and say 'Sure, this is crap, but it's kinda funny.'
One man's folly is another man's wife.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I've always had a sense of humour.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
In 'The Sound of Music,' I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my line was, 'I'm Brigitta. I'm 12, and all I want is a good time.' I got a laugh. And I was so delighted, I laughed, too. Sadly, that's a problem I still have - onstage, I laugh hysterically at how funny I am.
A word to the wise is infuriating.
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
Voice actors I used to know who were starting out in comedy were guys who did a lot of voices. They were usually comedy actors who developed their comedy by doing tons of impressions and voices that were usually very funny. And I never did any of that, so that's, I guess, why I don't consider myself a voice actor.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
I'm going to do the old 'plaster removal' technique and just get the pain over with in one go: 'Life's Too Short' isn't funny to me.
It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'
You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
It's funny, I guess when I was growing up, I didn't really think about being an instrumentalist, per se. I didn't think, well, I want to be a piano player, or, I want to be a guitar player, or even, I want to be a singer. I just wanted to be a musician.
If a comic laughs at their own jokes, I don't like it. They shouldn't find it funny; they should seriously believe in this stupid thing they're saying.
I remember being four or five, not understanding how to be funny, so just going around the house and my mum and dad's friends, confusing adults by saying weird things.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
I know what's funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it's walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that.
I feel like somebody who just is very understanding is my biggest thing - timing is a major issue for me - but also funny! Obviously I want someone really cute and fun and fresh for good Instagram pictures and that just makes me really happy.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
I always ended up having the funny part in Shakespeare, but I really thought I'd be doing theater. That was my ambition for myself.
If you're contriving something, if you're making something up, it's not funny. You can tell. It's instant. It has to come from someplace real.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Looking the way I look, whenever anybody's looking for a light brown funny guy, I get the call... I'm 100 percent Greek, but I look like I could be Indian or Middle Eastern or Hispanic. If it's ethnic, they'll try and put me in it.
I'm sure all actors have trouble. The guy who always plays the funny guy, he wants to be taken seriously. And there's the action guy who wants to do serious stuff. Everyone's grass is greener.
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
I saw a stationery store move.