Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
I know that I'm going to die and that you're going to die. I can't do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure.
I make a point to tweet out really funny comments I get on YouTube videos. I have the most ridiculous ones.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
It is funny to me that because I can run, because I'm athletic, people tend to see that as my only asset.
We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.
You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
Life has a funny way of becoming ordinary as soon as it can.
The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'
I carry with me from my male upbringing a sense that femininity is forbidden. So when I appear on YouTube with forty butterflies glued to my body and glitter all over my face, I have a sense that I'm getting away with something I'm not supposed to. I'm being decadent. I'm enjoying a forbidden pleasure. And that's fun, and it's funny.
The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising.
I worked with Tyler before on 'Daddy's Little Girls'. He couldn't be smarter or more laid back and cool. He's always throwing out lines and is funny as hell. And he was shining his light on 'Peeples', too, lending his name to showcase Tina as a first-time director, and me as a first-time lead.
It's funny: I kinda still float under the radar. I'm not tall like a New York Knick; I'm not a heavy, strong New York Giant or New York Jet. I blend in pretty well. A lot of people don't recognize me too many places. More men recognize me than women.
Raw parsley makes me gag. It's the same for my mum and my sister. Which is funny because apparently parsley was used to suffocate witches, back in the day.
We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why.
I'm just an entertainer. All I want to be is funny. I never aspired to play Hamlet.
I've grown up around some incredibly funny people, which has been a blessing and curse because now I've been completely spoiled in terms of what I find funny.
I always dreamed about getting on TV and being part of a team - a funny ensemble.
If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants and entourage, it's funny to see what happens.
The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you've got all these pictures to turn into metaphors.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
It's funny, I get a little quieter with time. I don't want to chase my tail and one day repeat myself and repeat myself and one day have kids going to college and not have memories that I should, because I was too busy doing my thing.
When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
When someone calls me up and wants me to do something, of course I am open to it. But I am not going to do it if there isn't anything interesting or funny about it.
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who look funny naked.
I think it's great to see how they've grown up, not just as actors but as people. They're still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They've grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They've blossomed.
It's a funny thing when you think you're dead. You're not terrified of it anymore. There's a sort of a epiphany to religious thing; it's not sort of church-based, but you end up with a serenity which you didn't have before, and I just simply enjoy it. It really does sound stupid, but I've got to tell you it's made my life.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.'
Very often, I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.
Confidence is a funny thing, and sometimes that's all you need is just that little bit to elevate you to the next level.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it.
It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Some guys may play around and say a couple of things, but if I say it, I mean it. I may laugh, it may be funny, but if I say I'm going to get you, I'm going to get you.
It's funny, sometimes life just comes down to bringing a little bit of light to somebody when you can.
It's a funny thing... I started touring at nine or ten years old, and for the first ten, fifteen, almost twenty years of your career, you're the youngest guy on stage and the youngest guy in the room.
To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
It's funny, when you have a theme so particular to cows - or it could be anything like hair or nails - when you're rapping about a specific thing, you can have more punchlines about it.
Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.